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First Day on the Job

'Command & Control Structure' meeting this morning, whatever that is. The upshot is that I was made Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff (woohoo! Six shiny stars! Nice shineys...), but that dick-head Ecthelion got General of the Army. But he only has five shineys, so HA.

Some mortal dude came to visit. He stank. So bad, in fact, that one's of the half-elf's guards gagged and tripped, stabbing himself in the crotch. Hehe, funny. Half-elf got mad and shoved the mortal out of a window. Being a mortal, I don't think he survived. Poor bastard.

Pouty she-elf irritates me. Tulkas (in his infinite wisdom, bless him) ordered security checkpoints at the entrances to the parts of Rivendell that we're occupying. Pouty she-elf tried to walk through one, and the guards let her through. I had to scream at them that they report to Tulkas now and not stupid half-elf. Throat hurts. Want cough drops.

I think I was supposed to meet with the division commanders and set about dismantling the army today. But I found a barrel of this "Longbottom Leaf", and damn, that stuff is good. I even gave horsie some to smoke. Horsie like very much.



author: Tulkas

Most pleased at choice of white as uniform colour. Makes my thighs look fantastic. Only hope Tulkas notices.

Glorfindel backed me up about the colour choice and I can see why: he looks nearly as good in it as I do. Suits his blond colouring and he knows it. He's cut his tunic slightly shorter and his leggings slightly tighter than everyone else. Normally I would point this out to Tulkas and have him reprimanded, but he looks damn good. Tart.

Ecthelion wanted grey or khaki. But then he would. Prat.

Half-elf got uppity saying he had already decided on blue as it was the colour of the High Elf standards of old and did we have no respect for history blah blah. Have to watch that one. Getting way too above himself. Could see Tulkas thought the same. Might make a suggestion about getting him out of the way if he's going to get this shirty about every minor decision. I have it on good authority from the twin spawn of Melkor that their Ada has a nice little penchant for pictures of naked dwarves. Utterly revolting idea and hard to believe, frankly, but whatever blows your frock up, I guess. Still, might be information I could put to use at some point. The whole idea is proof enough that he is completely round the twist as far as I'm concerned. I mean I thought Tulkas's beard was fairly repugnant, but when all there is is a beard in boots and a helmet?! Clearly the uppity half-elf has been spending way too much time kowtowing to various native peoples round here and lost all sense of perspective. Hear that Mirkwood has a much healthier attitude to insane, hairy, axe-weilding midgets.

Twin-spawn were less than useless in meeting. Kept suggesting things like gold lame, lime velour or cerise chiffon. Kept looking at me and sniggering. What they thought they were hinting at I really have no idea...


author: Nenya

Number of cold showers had today so far: Two and its not even lunchtime. This is not good. Going to have to do something because someone is going to spot me steaming off to the bathing facilities every two minutes and put two and two together. In some ways it perhaps a Good Thing Tulkas doesn't wear uniform because if he was parading around in tight, white leggings I think I'd just have to set up home in the showers and be done with it.

Idea: think I may invest in a bucket of cold water and a flannel in my room...

Met the son-in-law-to-be yesterday. Quite, quite extraordinary. It's not just the fact that he's mortal, although that would be bad enough: it's the smell. Having been brought up by the half-elf has not been enough to drill into him the finer niceties of bathing, it would seem. But then you only have to meet the twin-spawn to know how rubbish the half-elf's parenting skills are, so it's perhaps not that much of a surprise that five minutes back in the wild has meant this Estel chap has gone back to old habits once more.

He seems to delight in beaten up old clothes and a poor attempt at a beard. He was regailing us with tedious tales of his exploits in the south over dinner last night. Spoilt-bitch daughter fluttered eyelashes at him throughout and was clearly terribly impressed. She was the only one.

She had two balrog-slayers at the same table, for Eru's sake! But, no, this stinking mortal's tales of how he got ripped off to the tune of one bag of silver by some Southron over some touristy piece of tat carved from mumakil tusk (which is truly hideous half-elf looked singularly unimpressed when he was presented with it. I am fairly certain I saw the tip of it sticking out from the midden heap this morning...) are FAR more interesting, apparently!

It seems it was Olorin who suggested this sorry-excuse-for-a-male propose to half-elf's pouty daughter, so can only assume Olorin hates half-elf nearly as much as Tulkas and I do. Will have to ask him when I see him. I gather he drops in here quite frequently, usually unannounced and uninvited. The impression one gets from half-elf is that he generally makes a complete nuisance of himself, eats half-elf out of house and home and then leaves again when he gets bored. Ah, I always did like Olorin!

Of course, the git-spawn treat this mortal like the brother he isn't and clearly consider him a dear friend. I think that speaks volumes, frankly.



author: Nenya

Number of old friends met today for the first time in an Age: one
Number of filthy jokes shared with said old friend: several

Olorin rolled up today. It was good to see him. Nice to have someone else around who actually knows who Tulkas and I are and with whom we can completely relax and be ourselves.

I have to say I was a little startled by his appearance. Like us he has to keep his identity quiet so he has a disguise of sorts, but really I do think he's taken things a bit too far. He looks utterly repellent. He has a beard nearly down to his waist, for a start, that seems to have twigs, bits of food and things living in it. He has the most ridiculous hat I have ever seen. He also is wearing something akin to an giant old dishcloth in a musty grey colour that I suspect has not been washed since he first put it on. Its covered in mud and rather suspicious looking stains as well as being a bit threadbare. I say a bit threadbare... Let's put it this way: he stood up at one point to stoke the fire as the three of us shared a quiet aperitif before lunch and as he bent over I could see holes in his garment. Not only that but it was immediately clear he doesn't wear underwear and the body he's in matches the face he's using so I got a full view of saggy, old backside. NOT pleasant. I had great difficulty eating after that.

It's one thing to play a role but to get so into character you go native...! But then that's Olorin for you. There was the infamous one-man-show back in Valinor. It takes quite a lot to get Manwe that enraged, but then the sight of Olorin dancing about for three hours wearing nothing but a layer of yellow paint would be enough to send anyone round the twist, frankly. It's still an image that brings the bile to my throat if I recall it, to be honest.

Later:
Amount of realy old friends that I lve to bits: two. Love Olorin. Old friend. Love him. Nice bloke.
Amont of Doriwinioin drnk: a lot. Lots and lots and lots and lots and lots!! Smoked lots of Lonbto... Longbosnt... lognbttom leaf too! Olorin's got some really strong stuff from a special supplier. S'good!

Lots of even more filthy old jokes told tonight. Olorin has lot of them. Not heard the one about Niennna and the Tellri before... Still giggling. Gah... rooms spinning. Need go bed-bed. Olorins beard is nasty. SURE I saw something move in it this evenin. Probably a rat. Or fleas. ... OR A BADGR! ow! laughn too hard! Blurgh going to be sick...

Going to go sleepies! Night night diareeeeeeeeeeeee!!!



author: Nenya

I was there for nearly two days in the end! Olorin found me after I'd fallen asleep. Heard the snoring, opened the door to have me practically fall out on top of him, covered in cobwebs and my chin covered in drool. Lovely! Thank Eru it was him, though, and not one of the git-spawn. Would never have heard the end of it, otherwise.

Tulkas had calmed down considerably. Suspect Olorin had had a word. I notice hes avoiding looking at me directly in the eye, though, and is keeping a good five foot distance between us at all times. Curse those damn twins! I feel close to tears...

Later...
This may yet turn out to be a good day. Rather nervous looking guard came to see Tulkas in his offices today with a problem he felt he should know about. Tulkas has set up a system of guard points all over the place since half-elf's idea of security was a joke and it seems the change of shift at the security point into the inner living quarters came across the two guards they were relieving in a bit of a state; namely: blubbing and banging their heads against a wall and generally on the point of nervous breakdown.

The problem with the evil twin-spawn of Melkor (or one of the many, many problems with them) is that you cannot tell them apart and they are malicious enough to play on this at any opportunity, gits that they are. It transpired they had taken to passing through the security point one at a time, climbing through a window to the outside, coming round to the security point and coming in all over again. When the guards asked "But didn't you just come through here?" they would respond "Oh, that wasn't me... Must have been my brother." Little arses!

Now it says a lot about the kind of half-breed half-wits that make up most of the elven population these days that, when the new shift looked at the log of everyone checked in or out through that security gate, the git-spawn were down as having gone through twenty-three times with no exits! I ask you!

Tulkas exploded, of course... (Oooh, he's so delicious when he's furious. Gah! Must block those thoughts from my head...) ...if only because they should have spotted the problem a lot earlier and dealt with it or sent for him. The names he came out with for the git-spawn, though, even made Olorin blush (and Olorin invented several of them).

Half-elf was simpering and weasling and saying it was just high spirits or a bit of a jape and he was sure they meant no harm. Tulkas wasn't having any of it.

Even as I write I can see the pair of them (the twin-evil-shits, that is) from my window, armed with a spade each, to dig out the latrines.

Ah, revenge is sweet and life is good!


author: Nenya

After all this, we were led to these huge gates. When we arrived, there was a large group of elves from Lothlorien. Bleugh. I knew Galadriel when she was in Valinor, and a vain little bitch she is too. She wore a white dress, which was different, however, she used to only wear short, skimpy skirts. She said it was because they didn't hinder her when she ran and hunted, but everyone knew she just had the world's hugest crush on Glorfindel.

Who came out with half a dozen flowery compliments right on schedule. While they giggled, and made kissy faces with each other, I gleefully watched as Half-Elf stammered as he met his father-in-law.

Father-in-Law has silver hair as long as his wife's, and a face like a sword blade, pale and pointy. His eyes swept over us with complete disconcern, though he smiled at the Git-Spawn. Oh, bugger they actually have a powerful ally now. Blast.

Tulkas introduced himself, and Sword-head just nodded. Gah! I should have fought for my Lord's honour! I wondered if Tulkas has a scarf of something I could tie around my arm, but then I remembered that Sword-face had beaten down Nazgul in his time and even made Sauron pause for thought, so I decided that while trapped in an Elven body I'd just be polite and let him get on with it.

Carrying their baggage was a blonde Silvan thing with a nose like a pug.

Arwen was shrieking that we had no official welcome, but Younger Butt-like-Concrete just stuck his tongue out at her and opened the doors. He was the only one who could, which explained why the Skank and Sword-face were just standing here. Poor Tulkas looked very worried at this royal magic, then he put his Plotting face on. Oo-er.

Sword-face was now chatting with Git-Spawn and laughing, throwing amused glances in my direction. Bastard.

We had to stable our own horsies (Cheek!), and Arwen got some muck on the hem of her gown, which made her cry, heh heh. One reared and nearly kicked Pug-nose in the face which would probably have made an improvement), but Tulkas leapt in and pulled him out of the way, like the dashing hero he is. Pug-Nose has now been following Tulkas around, drooling and with a face of utmost-adoration.

Its most undignified, and rather disgusting, really.

Met the King, who had leaves in his hair as though hed just been rolling around with older Butt-like-concrete, which was a much nicer image that Pug-Nose's affections. He looked absolutely exhausted, and no wonder, because somewhere deep in this pit was a keening, eldritch cry. It was already giving me a headache.

YBlC scarped off somewhere, while OBlC grinned and hugged another Butt-like-Concrete (These Mirkwood elves may be stupid peasants, but Phwaor!). This one had silver hair and a doomed expression.

"Lothy's still cooing over Falle. She made some toys."

"Really? Lothy can make things rather than just break then?"

I wondered why in the name of Melkor a Forest King would call their son Foam. Weirdos.

Anyway, this Lothy came into view, wearing a blue dress, with Squeee! written all over her face. The Git-Spawns jaws dropped, and after that, with one of her hands on each of their forearms, they minced off together, laughing and interrupting each other. This could be very amusing, and revenge is sweet.

Older-Blond-Butt-like-Concrete was, however, left holding a butterfly and a vampire bat, which he raised his eyebrows at. Sword-face liked them, and was pretending that they were flying around his head. The Skank looked rightfully embarassed.

Half-Elf, however, was delighted when Arwen perked up when another BlC showed up, with dark hair. She fluttered and simpered, while Half Elf looked like he was praying that she'd forgotton the Smelly Mortal.

Then a look of pure horror came over his face and he forcefully separted them. Potato-face told me that the dark-haired, voice-like-chocolate BlC is in fact closely related to Arwen, and the incest was what caused Half-Elfs violent reaction.

So he lets her snog her brother but not her second cousin? What the Hell is wrong with this family?!


author: Elb

Early morning, Mirkwood: which is truly mirky indeed at this time in the morning. Oh, for fresh air and slightly more than just one hole in the rock to peer through! And this is supposedly a guest room for high-ranking officials. What the rest of the poor sods round here have to live in I have no idea. No better than damn dwarves!

Had Pug-Face trying to make friends with me for most of the day yesterday. It could almost be endearing were it not for the fact that he's clearly doing it so he can get to know Tulkas through me. Over my dead body! The last thing Tulkas needs is having that jumped up little oik fawning over him. I said as much to Olorin. Olorin agreed and then said something about after all it's not like Tulkas needs another lapdog and gave me a rather strange look. What on earth he was driving at, I have no idea.

I have learned that the Pug has a fairly low opinion of the Git-spawn, though, and he seems desperate enough to get on side with me (and thus with Tulkas) that he would do pretty much anything I ask of him. This may yet prove useful.

A case in point: the bathing facilities. Of all the damn stupid ideas... Who in their right mind invests in communal bathing facilities in a place like this?! Blond, muscled bits of rough wherever you look- it's a bloody nightmare!

I have thus taken to avoiding frequenting the place when there was any likelihood of anyone else being there because I really wouldn't be able to cope. Pug-Face has informed me this is the source of much hilarity at my expense amongst the Git-Spawn and their entourage. But if they think for one minute I am going to sit about while certain people wander about in the buff and soap themselves up into a lather right in front of me...



... Had to go and calm myself down. Can't go for a cold shower at this time of day - the place will be chock full. I'm well aware deals are being done and talks being held in the informal relaxed atmosphere of a steam and a rub, but I have managed to avoid getting roped in so far. Just hope I can hold out till we leave this dump. Ecthelion keeps slapping me on the back and saying how much I'm missing.

Git.

There's going to be some sort of sporting event today. Any opportunity for certain people to show off and flaunt themselves, I suspect. Glorfindel's signed up for anything that will involve him stripping down to his leggings. If he could wrestle naked I think he would... Ack! Must get that thought out of my head...

Spotted the Pug in the corridor outside and have sent him to get me some cold water and a flannel.


Late afternoon:
The sports were... interesting, shall we say. Most of the proceedings were a bit of a blur since there were far too many ellyn wearing far too little for me to be able to think straight. In the end I had to focus on the back of Olorin's head and keep replaying that moment I got a flash of saggy old backside to keep myself under control.

Suffice to say Tulkas was superb. Wiped the floor with most of them. He always was overly competitive and I think it was quite a shock for several of them to realise just how strong and athletic he is. He may look like an elf but he still has the strength and power he always did.

Anyway, in the end it all got a bit too much. I have left early since I really couldn't cope once the wrestling got under way. I'm off to have a quick cold bath before they all pile in there.



Later still:
Oh, the humanity! Gah! Almost too upset to write! I am beyond embarrassed. I'll never live this down! Stupid bloody Sindarin jumped-up pillock and his communal bathing. Its unhygienic, I tell you!

I am sitting there, calmly minding my own business when I hear voices. Lots of them. Panicked, I leap out of the baths and grab my towel just as Thranduil, Celeborn, Tulkas and I dont know who else wander in to the disrobing rooms. I feel sure I went red as a beetroot. Git-spawn were there, of course, and immediately asked if I was going to join them. Little bastards. They knew that would be picked up on and of course, Thranduil was immediately insistent I stay and not leave on their account thanks to the demon-spawn who were by then grinning like the idiots they are. It would have been churlish to refuse.

I cannot begin to describe how horrendous it was. I didn't know where to look. Of course Olorin knows better than to flash that ghastly body hes using in public (and no one's encouraging him to either), so I had nothing to distract my attention away from a wet, naked Tulkas directly opposite me. I tried staring at the paintings on the ceiling most of the time but it didn't work.

Ai, the SHAME!

Given I had already been in there a while, I could feel myself turning into a wrinkled prune the longer I sat there. But there was no way I could leave! I just wanted the ground to swallow me up! And every time someone said something to me I had to drag my attention back to them and then the terrifying reality of what I was surrounded by! I was just grateful the water was full of flower petals and bubbles, because otherwise it would have been even more humiliating that it already was. I made a pile of them around me, covering the entire surface of the water so as to cover my embarrasment. I tried to be as inconspicuous about it as possible. Not sure that I succeeded, though. Git-spawn and at least one of the butt-crew kept on wandering in and out and sniggering at me. Ecthelion kept saying loudly I seemed a little distracted and had an odd look on my face, was I feeling quite well? Idiot! I could feel my face getting redder and redder.

At last they decided to leave and then there were the shared looks when I said I might stay a little bit longer, thank you, and they should just carry on, I was enjoying the soak. Half-elf tried to make a joke about was I feeling shy? Ha, ha, ha.. Little runt! Of course everyone thought that was hilarious and left me to it. Tulkas gave me a very strange look as he did so, though. After the mouth-to-mouth incident he's been a little wary of me and now this...!

Boody twins! Damn them to the fires of Morgoth, will they never stop finding ways to humiliate me? I was in there a good ten minutes before I had finally calmed down enough that I could finally risk getting out of the water! Little shits... I'll have their hides for this...

I'm heading off down to the kitchens to get a bottle of wine or three. I need to get horribly drunk.


author: Nenya