For those that need to know: this, like the Vignettes, is a comedic slightly un-canon version of the TAD/TADers history. Eonwe has a crush on Tulkas so bad it's painful and through his angst-ridden journal we find out how it all began: Tulkas and he coming over from Valinor and how the build up to TAD started. The events portrayed start a few decades prior to LOTR...
Enjoy!
Warnings: for slashy innuendo and high campery ahead. :P
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Valinorian mead consumed: Seven gallons. Will not be able to do this when trapped in Elven body. Gah.
Rebellions to crush: One.
Fantasies about Tulkas: More than is healthy, surely.
Left Valinor today for the first time in like forever. Some upstart little half-elf is trying to create and army (and failing miserably), so it was decided that Tulkas Astaldo, Champion of the Valar, blah blah blah, was to go forth in disguise and bring down the whole operation from inside.
This meant that Tulkas has to be disguised, and has finally shaved off that disgusting beard. He's going in Elf form, so no beard for a while, ha ha! He's got black hair now, but is still pretty tall and imposing. And muscled. Very muscled.
Nessa wailed and whimpered about what she'd do without her beloved snugly-wussums for a few decades. Like it bloody matters. Tulkas seemed to think so too. He gave her a manly pat on the back that nearly sent her to bloody Arda with him, telling her that it'd only be a little while and it wasn't like he was going to die, was it?
Anyway, I decided to tag along. Valinors boring, what with all the eternal bliss and crap. I need a bit of intrigue and fighting. Besides, Tulkas looks sexy in leggings.
We've got to bring Ecthelion though. He's just been let out of Mandos, and wants to get in on some fighting. Nuts. I hate that guy. He thinks he's so big because that Balrog tripped over that paving stone and squished him. He goes about calling himself the Maia-Slayer. Whilst the rhyme is amusing, I hardly think it's diplomatic, considering what yours truely is, hmmm?
On the boat: Urgh. Ill. Sick.
Well, we've arrived in Middle-earth, and what a pretty little backwater it is too. Cirdan greeted us. Damnit, just as I get one guy to shave his beard off, another one's grown one. Beards aren't hot! When will people learn...? We met short people, and smelly mortals. Haven't seen them in ages! I'm now only about seven foot, but I've got a horsie. Nice horsie.
Rivendell is pretty too, but, seriously, when the Valinorian elves sing, at least they sing some proper songs. We were greeted by a chorus of Tra-ra-ra-lally. I will not survive this.
Upstart rebel half-elf was rather polite, actually. Has one whiny daughter and twin Spawn-of-Melkor sons. Whiny daughter is called Evenstar and so expects everyone who comes near her to swoon. Tad pouty for me, personally. And has breasts, which are always a turn-off. Spawn-Of Melkor sons are identical twins. I just know this will be a problem. (One's called Elf-rider though, heehee!)
Tulkas looks like he has a migraine coming on. Will ask if I can bathe his head later, poor dear. I've heard oil is very good for migraines. Oh, and massage his shoulders. I'm sure he'd be very grateful to me for that. Also, one Head of Household called Erestor who looks rather retarded, and like he has something shoved up his bum.
Ooh, nice bit of arse just walked out and introduced himself as Glorfindel. Things might not be so bad!
Author: Elb
TAD: The fourth kinslaying... with guns ~ TADers: The spoof-turned-sequel ~ TADers Historical Vignettes
my fanfiction ~ The White Council ~ Mirabile Visu ~ PPC
Proud owner of Nagul the mini-balrog

